Root

Every month a new challenge. Every month a new objective.

July 2010

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I had originally wanted to talk about all the wonderful things that happened to the blog since the start of this year. How these first 6 months have been an impressive benchmark, and how I’m so beyond psyched for the next 6.

But that was before getting…fuck, where would I even begin to start? For all the interesting (and even slightly good) things I’ve actually gotten a chance to chronicle these last few months, I’ve had a terrible run of bad luck. Just one thing after another, and it only feels like it’s gotten worse.

I always said I was too lucky for my own good, and that that bothered me to some end. And that one of these days I’d need more than luck to stand up on my own two feet. Looks like today is that day. Or has been for some time.

Those who see it, or share it in some way or form, regale me with reactions of shock and defeat in accordance to how they’d take the [different] news and/or event I bring home everyday. And random homeless people still tell me I look like Hell. Encouraging, truly. I just shrug it off and people call me humble. But it hurts, it always hurts. Like I’m cutting myself, like I’m getting kicked in the face, like I’m swallowing razors raw. I’m just too numb to feel the pain anymore. There just isn’t a hell of a whole lot I can lose anymore.

Which makes me wonder about how I would react to the news of my heart condition; which I’m due to find out about on the 9th of July. More in a long line of stress and bad news I’ve taken to the teeth this year. I’m so numb to this stuff now, I don’t even know if reacting is appropriate, let alone possible. I’ll die at some point, if it’s that much sooner should I be that much more concerned? If it’s really severe, do I go out with a bang? If it’s really minimal, should I do everything possible to heal or minimize the damage?

I guess it’d help if I could actually talk to a real live human, but time is not a commodity in full effect right now, and that step usually only leads to more bad luck, I suppose.

Ever since this “Recession” started, I’ve longed for one simple ideal. For once, to feel like my life is not at the mercy of EVERYTHING else. To feel as though at least something or someone I do is in some small way affected by me, myself and no outside forces whatsoever. But despite everything I’ve done to keep myself from failing further, impressive as it might be out of context, that’s all it ever feels like. I just wanna know what it’s like to have my life back; or at least a piece of it anyway. But as the year dwindles on, that ‘how’ part of the equation is getting harder and harder to decipher.

EDIT: This was written after I became an awesome street performer; I’m not as morbid as the tone set here, but overall it’s still been a wrecked year for me so far. I can only hope I survive this recession.