There was once a beautiful princess I loved more than anything. We were inseparable as friends, and as lovers, we were the make of fairy tales. We weathered everything, except what came next.
One day I had to move. I didn’t want to. I didn’t have [much of] a choice. I didn’t know if I’d ever see her again. So I did the single-handed most painful things I’ve ever had to do in my life; I broke up with her. For a really long time we were out of each other’s lives. It was weird, but worse yet painful. Nothing’s ever hurt so much.
At this point, we’d stopped communicating all together. She’d even moved on; I don’t blame her, I would too. I’m pretty lousy, lol. We did however have 3 brief conversations in our time apart.
The 1st was in regard to something she said to me back when we were dating. A proposition that would have changed our lives forever. I was already planning on coming back (even if we weren’t going to date again), but I needed to know if she really felt that way, because I didn’t want things top be awkward or anything. She said no. She was simply ‘caught up in the moment’. I say she’s lying. And if she ever lays eyes on this, she knows, I know she’s lying. What she said sent a chill down her spine & stopped my ass dead in my tracks (which is a resume-worthy talent, if you can pull it off). The look in her eyes, the night she said it, I’ll never forget. Your eyes can’t lie…not about something like that. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Clearly she was happier with the new guy. The 2nd time was the night I got shot. At that point I was fading fast, but I told her I loved her & that I hoped I’d be able to tell her that again soon. Of course I wasn’t exactly betting on myself at that point, but hey I made it. Lucky me. What transpired [between us] in the next 24 hrs is as madding as it is confusing, but suffice to say, the exchange was as short-lived as the 1st. Lastly was her untimely withdrawal from a small project we’d collaborated on. No reason given, just gone. At this point I’d given up & decided to devote my life to greed. Ahh money, the one force more powerful and seductive than any female. The perfect motivator.
Now bare in mind, all of this is over the course of a few years, from friends to breakup. The aforementioned convos however, are all ’09.
Eventually I moved back to her neck of the woods, in hopes of clearing up some of the confusions bestowed. But she’s gone to great lengths to avoid me & won’t return any messages. Further adding to this complex, her family is still really cool with me (with stated intents to visit me at work), we work for the same company (though at different branches), we still have a lot of mutual acquaintances, and assuming she hasn’t changed that much, many similar hobbies & hangouts.
It’s like nothing changed….except us…..
Sometime between writing this and posting this, I saw the movie (500) Days of Summer
Some friends have told me to move on. Others have been left as stomped as I; their words, her words would explain her actions. Others still have said she’s lying and/or feels particular about me. But no one friend has been able to put my mind at rest. So I decided to get intimate with myself; quiet hopes of finding peace by looking in. I mean, I don’t need someone to hold my hand, but there has to be a way to get some sort of closure on this thing.
Let me be clear. I DON’T feel like the super-innocent victim. I don’t hate her & I’m not bitter. I just feel confused. Really, really fucking confused. We don’t have to hang out, we don’t have to re-love, but to lose someone so close to you? And for what? What the fuck could I have possibly done to deserve this?! I haven’t seen her in over a year. Idk, Maybe there’s something I did to piss her off for good, but I have no way of knowing, and of all the factors in this new complex, that probably hits the hardest.
…Another scar, another day in the life….
Edit 1/25/10: While unnecessary, a pinch of emo spice to really complete the agony baked into this post.
