*6 days ago I had a heart attack. I’m still not even sure how to process that. These are the only thoughts I can seem to muster at the moment*

It’s all too easy to go after my easiest targets; they’re all open wounds for the world to see, to touch, to hear; they scream with delight to voyeurs of all types. They pick and scratch in places I can no longer reach, bleeding me apart from the inside. I rot on the out. Weaknesses, in my eyes, never relevant to begin with, and true short comings prick deadly as any rose’s thorn, far too late for me to react. Scars are my master & I am their slave. Stuck in what feels never-ending, and yet I know that’s not true; not anymore. Never again.

Guided and grown, in the hope for unknown, the arena was always toxic, septic, and made for trouble. Bubbled and built and getting a grip, productions that aren’t end-results took shape, and continued the mutant growth that was anything but natural.

Some things that planted, some things that grew, only served to assist tomorrow’s doom. Back in today, things seem so far away…the periods that exclimated simply burned away without a trace. That as until, without warning, something returned. Like a phoenix being born, ashes rebore as if the page was never even fucking turned.

Back in today, it’s hard to get a grip on how potent it all is. Even after letting go, it all feels perfectly contained. The pain, the burn, the scars, the betrayal, the hate, the rage, the rut, the butt, the start, the end; where do we even?

Knowledge states, the weight, you’ll hate. Drop that plate, get a move on, debate. Shock & grow, do what you know. Enjoy the new rhythm & drive the flow. But when that weight is your only worldly possession, the only thing you own, the only thing you ever wanted, how do relinquish it’s authority so lackadaisical? How do you fly above? How do you live without? Because at this point, isn’t this part of your soul? Your very essence? Your very self? What does it say about the worth of your being, when you have to knife out the sole foundation that makes up your existence from the get-go, akin to a poisonous jab in a barren desert?

Back in today, the pause button used to work. Used to help. Used to make sense. Things got so complicated that the whole fucking equation had to be broken into pieces so fucking small that not even the detective of lore could find them. Back in today, you used to be able to press skip, live and let die. Just ignore. And the weight got bigger, more relevant, and accidentally more potent. The weight propped as important, dropped as insane. The weight was never around; at some point, at some when. It was never lost, never deliberately put away, but it always kinda felt like it was hiding under the bed with all the other monsters.

Back in today, we thought, and we thought, and we though, and we wouldn’t stop obsessing. Things didn’t seem right, didn’t feel right; and we looked at everything, looked to everything. But would not look at what we wanted not to be found. And then the world sped up past keep or comprehension, the room set itself to dizzy, and everything changed for good.

Back in today we thought we were working towards decreasing the weight, and changing everything for the better. Now we see how wrong that approach was, and now we run from Death as fast, and as far as our little wings will take us.

Heaven help us.

I never had a mom growing up. It was never tough. It was never strange. It was just something that was accepted as a child growing up. I just grew used to it.

As I got older, and I found myself in positions where I needed my family, needed a mom, to support me, I found it hard, difficult, and to this day depressing as hell.

And too their credit, year after year, I have had some woman or another trying to ‘adopt’ me as a temporary page. A bookmark in their childless void; a guardian in mine. For all their effort, their affections never really stuck; it’s just too hard to replace something I’ve never had.

Not trying to say my pain is worse than anyone else’s; this isn’t a pity party. It’s just…by the time you read this it’ll be Mother’s Day. And thanks to many of the conflicts in western civilization, over the last 10 years, there are alot of ppl like myself who won’t be able to celebrate this holiday.

Terrorist attacks, weather that can only be described as acts of God(s), shootings that killed innocent bystanders, military personnel that don’t return home from war, drug addicts that OD, prisoners that are jailed for life, divorce. Mothers aren’t dying off like [the use of] CDs, but we live in a world where not everyone is lucky enough to have one.

Living the life I do, growing & learning as an adult in a world that doesn’t quite know itself, not having a mom is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to live through, that haunts me to this day, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. There’s stuff I’ll never learn, never understand, never experience because this figure was never in my life. And try as fate might, there will never be a substitute.

This post goes out to everyone who has a story like mine. I know I’m not alone, I hope you know you’re not either. And if you are lucky enough to have a mom, then do whatever it is you’re supposed to do on Mother’s Day & celebrate the fact that you have one more day to live with one of the most important people you will ever meet.

In 2008 I made a full-blown dedication to revamp my lifestyle, in every way possible, for the better.

Since then, I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes. I mean, A LOT OF STUPID MISTAKES. But overall, I’ve made a lot of progress towards my endgoals.

Nowadays however, I am constantly watching more and more people preach the same goals I’m living. I have nothing against that; people working to better themselves.

It just seems like they’re actually succeeding [lol]. I know I’m doing well to get through my problems, but every time I turn around, there’s always another obstacle. It’s as if everyone around me has found some magic formula for fixing their shit, and I’m still kneedeep in mine.

A few days ago I wrote about how I always felt trapped/imprisoned/arrested. Yesterday my body shut down entirely due to all the stress I was dealing with from work/life/etc. Having the time off that I did gave me a few hours to really come out of my corner, sit of a stable ground, and survey, not only my progress, but my [growing] pains.

I shouldn’t be getting as stressed out as I have been lately, and continuing that cycle of abuse is far from healthy for me; or anyone for that matter. I know where I want to be, and I know what I need to do to get there. So I’ll see you all at the finish line.

But dammit to hell! I am not enjoying this walk in the park. FML!

It’s no secret I’m a pretty big fan of all-things-Japan. So for me, this whole Earthquake/Tsunami/Nuclear thing is pretty amazing, in the worst way possible. I’m still dumbstruck.

There are a lot of people that have this post; or some video, or gang of tweets like this. This is mine, and I hope that Japan gets back on its feet sooner than later.

Resources

http://jibtv.com/program – Live & Local coverage, translated Japanese to English.

Donating To Red Cross – You can text the word “REDCROSS” to 90999 to make a $10 donation to the Red Cross, or make a online donation (via Google, Hulu, or iTunes) to help speed the abilities and capacity of the aid organization.

http://www.causes.com/campaigns/154523 – You can donate via Facebook. Convenient for those who want to help and spread the word.

http://mashable.com/2011/03/12/hello-bar-japan/ – Add a Hello Bar to your site. Given the fact that everyone has heard about this event by now, this probably wouldn’t be that effective in practice, but in theory, it’ll keep people informed.

http://www.google.com/crisisresponse/japanquake2011.html – Google, Google, all things Google. The Internet juggernaut has setup a crisis center website that has been tracking and covering everything Japan since the crisis started.

Drum’N'Bass Charity Music – There are A LOT of artists (both musical & otherwise) who’re coming all out of the woodwork to do their part to help with the crisis. Toyko native, and DnB LEGEND, Makoto, is currently working on a charity compilation album via his Human Elements label. It’s set to be released digitally, and proceeds will go towards helping crisis victims.

ShelterBox – Donate $1, and give Japanese refugees everything but the kitchen sink.

My heart goes out to the people of Japan, especially all my friends, and all my readers out there. Good luck guys. ]]> http://www.freeroamsoul.com/7-ways-to-help-japan/feed/ 0 http://www.freeroamsoul.com/work-today-31711/ http://www.freeroamsoul.com/work-today-31711/#comments Thu, 17 Mar 2011 16:43:11 +0000 Dark Angel http://www.freeroamsoul.com/?p=3072

Today is St. Patrick’s Day/

AND

I’m working in a bar/on St. Patty’s Day/where everyone wants to kno ur name/what could POSSIBLY go wrong?

Right now, everything hurts.

My feet are sore, my arms are heavy, my teeth are wrung, my neck is tight, my muscles are drained; yet throbbing, my ass is painfully numb, my core is collapsed. My most recent job has become a new full-body workout. Had I known this is how this type of job worked, I would’ve been doing this long before & and never even considered joining a gym. THESE are the muscles I didn’t know existed.

To make matters worse, I’m droppin Amp [energy drink] & pain killers. Given my general lack of sleep, and crappier bed, it’s a combination that will leave me nothing short of dizzy & tired. And as I write this, we are springing forward into Daylight Savings Time. So there’s really no rest involved, period. That presents a growing issue.

While this physical manifestation of uncomfortable fatigue is nothing short of frustrating, it’s going far more than just physical. I recently wrote about how I was frustrated/down/disenchanted/and generally upset about my current situation feeling like a prison. It’s clearly on my mind given my articulation of the subject, but it’s also starting to show when it shouldn’t & affect my physical being. It’s draining my psyche, and steaking, not stabbing at, but steaking as you would a vampire, my very soul.

I mentioned something about talking to friends, to, as to Lupe Fiasco put it, ‘take me out of rotation’; and I did do that. Once, in the middle of the night, all night, when I should’ve been sleeping, but wasn’t because this ish is stressing my soul done.

I gotta admit, this is an issue that I’m not sure how to tackle, really. Because it was never part of the plan. I’ve tried discipline & that’s not working anymore. It’s disrupting my rest, my soul, my life. I’m physically manifesting my stress into fatigue, anxiousness, passive-aggro anger; basically bite-size, early symptoms of post-traumatic stress, depression, or even bi-polars in some cases.

My work & my goals are keeping me away from this; they keep me occupied, distracted. But it….I can’t balance work & everything else, if I’m using work to solely focus away from everything, because then I, as I’m starting, to, end up fighting myself when things go wrong. As if my work my ole focus is normal…or a good thing.

I have to find another way to deal with this, and fast.

I mean, if it weren’t for the Amp, I would even have the energy to be up to write this blargle, but it’s getting harder & harder not to notice my troubled thoughts, my subliminal demons.

Course on a completely, no-sleep, flip-the-script probability, it could just be that I’m simply burned out, not because I’m stressed in a bad way or failing, but rather because I’m so stretched thin from succeeding. I mean, I am in school, publishing a book, generously employed, and I’m making a living for myself. Maybe I just need to slow down, so I can move forward without all the fatigue?

That’s all I can say for right now. Surprises ahead, I promise though!

This is my 1st post off of my phone so I hope I can articulate as well as I could if I were at keyboard. I’m not here anymore & that’s a problem as it’s not part of the plan. I’m not busy, oh no, that’d be too easy. Ambushed is a much better term. I’m so shot for time that I’m legit running out of room to sleep in my life. I’ve gone as far as quitting a few jobs altogether. It’s helping but not by much, you can even tell I’ve slowed down. I’m starting to get lonely a little more than occasional; BUT BUT BUT funny thing is, it’s not cause I’m single (still), but rather my life has been assaulted by several psycho whores who all have some bone or another to pick that has nothing to do with me…..@ least directly. It’s been a lot of stress I don’t need & i have gone outta my way to avoid, but it doesn’t seem to be working as women with bones to pick and points to make are nothing short of tenacious. Seeing these women only continues to serve as a reminder that Ive got no shot with anyone anytime soon thanx to a fucktastic combination of debt, location, family, & history. I really do hate my life. Hate the friendzome even more. I certainly hate where I am right now. I’ve never felt more trapped, never felt so constricted. Best part? I can’t think of any reason to justify coming back here. Why did I do this? Why did I do this to me? I keep waking up with these questions. Things feel weird all over because I spent so much time & soul tryin to get to a higher point in my life & soon as I near the top I start losing track of everything else. Probably doesnt help dat all da death in my last few months on this troublesome rock is finally starting to catch up to my psyche OR the fact that I can’t go to any of my friends. Sex would be awesome, but is it asking the universe too much to have 1 freaking friend around so I can rant about how I feel like a suicidal alcoholic? IM NOT THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE, but, I do feel comparable. Class, relationships, quality of life. I feel useless & broken and while im busting ass harder thans ever to fix it I’m not sure I’ll get much accomplished longterm. I mean I’m workin, I’m in school, and for a geek my ass is ballin! But my mind is too preoccupied with too much other things & stress. Right now, I don’t need an easy out, or even an out. I just need assurance; some sort of sign, kind of metric that everything is working & is going to be okay, cause failure might not be the endgame, but it will send me back, back into the dark. And I can’t afford that, not right now.

This is an old post from my Facebook that I’d forgotten about. It’s one of those pieces I wrote when I was stressed out; written well ahead of it’s time, it still stings true.

I took a minute to contemplate whether or not I should continue forward w/my plans, my goals, and my aspirations. There’s isn’t much to stop me from fully accepting a tenure into settling down and really, really making an attempt to start fresh. I’ve made friends, I’m building a better network, I’m on familiar territory; things come easier & more naturally than in recent memory.

My palms are getting sweaty….

I have a lot of jobs, but at the moment only 5 main, absorbing my life, killing my sleep part-time gigs that carry the weight and equal title of employment. I wouldn’t exactly call it hustle, just an intense desperation not to be jobless, homeless, bored out of my mind, and unable to save [cash] for my future. So when I’m talking to my friends or associates about a position I [currently] have, I usually refer to my jobs by numbers.

[Currently] Job #2, is one of my better paying gigs, and has a lot of unusual benefits. It’s a lot of high pressure, and if I weren’t in the situation I’m in, I probably wouldn’t have taken it, but it’s really easy. Coming into this job, my boss was a little nervous about hiring me, because my last boss gave me a biased review (Not unfair mind you, I’m not a sore loser; but she did judge me on 20% of my year-long work performance). Since hiring me however, she has received nothing short of outstanding workmanship, and continues to receive consistent, glowing compliments from customers & peers alike. I know I haven’t had this job for long, but I figured I was making a good impression all things considered.

Turns out, I’m a delirious dumbass! Because I spent half an hour yesterday trying to convince the same boss who hadn’t had a problem with me yet, and was being told by everyone how great an employee I was, not to fire me (over the phone, no less) and let me come into work that day. I don’t even know what prompted this whole thing, it’s not like I’m a problem employee or anything, and if there’s been any long-standing issue, she’s all the time in the world to address me about it. She eventually caved, but made no bones about letting me know that she’s looking for any reason to fire me at this point. I am under government-level surveillance now, and this job was stressful enough as it was.

That was a long time to tell a 2-minute story, but I really wanted to ask the readers, if it was you? If you knew for a second, by mistake, or even by accident, if you knew that your [well-paying job] was in danger (for any reason, really), would you stick around and hold out? Hope against all odds? Or would you start looking for a new job? Something that pays more, less? Closer to home, farther away? I’ve done all I plan to do about the matter, but I do wana hear what others have to say about it.

When we talk about the Recession, and lack of jobs, and so on & so forth, are we talking about these sorts of factors, or are we looking at numbers & going, “Oh, we’re fucked?”

It feels like yesterday….

In 2006, I officially started college. Not because I wanted to; it was that or swim with the sharks.

In 2011, I will start the year on my 2nd to last semester away from my 1st degree (1 of several I am pursuing within the coming years); an Associate’s in Transfer Studies, with concentration in Theatre & Dance.

When I started college, things seemed simple, I figured I’d go, and figure everything out as I went along. I got a lot of things right, and have had my fair share of fuck ups as well. Trade my experience points for anything else? Hmm? Maybe; depends on the offer. College tuition has near crippled my course, my drama crusts up old web pages even now, & between pet projects and constantly having to move for economic reasons, it hasn’t been the smoothest ride since inception. But I did find and learn things that could have never come about any other way; things that make me who I am and will shape my future forever.

5 years ain’t exactly a sparkling track record considering where I’ve been & where I plan to go. But it’s a start, and as 1 concentration ends, the next will soon begin. My next 2 certificates will be here before I know it, and then it’s on to 3 & 4. For now however, I will bask in how far I’ve made it, and how close I am.

Would you rather

1) Work with an ex, who [likely] thinks you’re a stalker, hates your guts, [probably] wishes you dead, & makes you nothing short of paranoid?

2) Lie to all your co-workers & general manager about ever having met them; even outside of the relationship and/or in a professional setting?

or

3) Quit the easy job with full-time level base-pay, commission, and benefits, that’s [for the most part] paying off the last of your long-standing debt?

Remember, you only get one choice now.

FML…..

Happy New Year’s everyone. Things have already started somehow, somewhere, for someone, as you read this. Things? What things? Things people are kicking off as they go through their year one day at a time.

I’m not people.

I knew this time last year where I wanted to be this time this year. But much to my shagrin, deep as the journey went, the potion didn’t fully take. However, if 2010 has taught me anything it’s that in order for my to accomplish the things started (starting) off in my life, I need to stay focused and disciplined. The goals are documented, the materials needed are on order, the routine is set; by this time next year I won’t be stuck in the mud, I’ll be moving to the next level.

Otherwise, I may as well just give up now.

Lately I haven’t been sleeping so well.

Haven’t been sleeping much for that matter.

For the most part, it’s stress. It’s keeping me up til the crack of dawn, and then I just pass out exhausted. This isn’t really healthy, that much I’ve acknowledged, but what’s worse is that it’s affecting my work schedules. I keep coming in, always tired, always cranky, always insulting my short co-workers (well I’d probably do that anyway; it’s really therapeutic), and worst of all, I’m almost always late.

I’ve been getting better at it (getting more sleep, being on time) lately, but it just seems like I’m putting a band-aid on the whole situation. Cause I’ll go a good two weeks with no slip ups & then I just fall off the wagon. Given how drunk i get without sleep*, I almost feel like a recovering alcoholic. And you’d think this wouldn’t be so much of an issue seeing how I’m always burning out during the day, but somehow my body still seems willing & able to keep on truckin well after the reserves have been emptied.

I’ve got so much on my plate right now, and the stress, oh the stress. I’m always stressed. It does kinda feel a little different though nowadays, since that I’ve been on this binge to clean all this stress from & de-clutter my life. It’s like, it’s not stressing me more, rather it’s almost like I’m cleaning this cosmic/mental room I live in, and finding all this things that stress me out as I put something new away. So much so in fact that I’m keeping a list just so I remember everything I need to squash when everything is said & done. This whatever-it-is, is screwing with my thoughts, my habits, my budget, everything. It’s like a virus. A virus I intend to execute. I spent so much of this year living like I had this endless mid-life crisis. NEVER AGAIN!!! I’m refocused now, stressed, but refocused.

I’m done trying to fix things that are broken. There’s just no reason anymore. I’m leaving 2010 with a sense of knowing that I tried, and starting 2011 by working myself harder, deleting all useless gut, and breaking anything that stands in my way.

*Sleep deprivation is medically as bad as being drunk, if not worse.

READ: It took me a long time to finally be able to write about this. It would be appreciative if you simply didn’t leave ANY comments & let me have this moment to myself. Please & Thank You.

A few weeks ago I saw my future.

Ripped cleanly from reality.

Like it never even existed. Like something out of a fucking comicbook. It was mine, for me, part of me. And without warning gone, dead, non-existent. My grandmother died, I didn’t shed a tear. I have friends who live in the Bronx & I don’t sweat it. I got shot and almost died. I got back on my fucking feet & taught myself how to fucking walk again.

This happened, and I crumbled. I lost all feeling in my feet. My knees trembled and gave in. My hands were too weak to support my weight, to weak to form a fist for me to hit something in my ramen-instant anger. My head was spun in a tizzy as I tried to process what I was being told. I cried like a little bitch that night. “Nothing could be done” I was told, “It was inevitable”. My future snatched away as if it was nothing.

It’s made way for a new future, one that wouldn’t exist if these events had never taken place. But th…..things are not suppose to start or end the way they did that night, and of all the things that’ve fucked me up over the years, this is one score I don’t know if I can ever walk away from feeling clean or collected.

Lesbians are like sugar, or new tech, or even money.

They make everything better, except when they don’t.

It seems the concept (or rather the Western World’s fantasy of what a lesbian is & does) has become increasingly saturated & lost in today’s pop culture. Particularly to the point where said lesbian can engage in any act or level of sexuality, and it’s unquestioningly accepted, all because she’s a lesbian.

The only other 2 social groups I can think of that have THAT much influence over people are rich people & jocks. People bend over backwards for money, to promote money, to get close to money, to make MORE money. It can really twist the wrong (or right) mind. And jocks? Well society might just crumble without sports; or competition for that matter. And anything to keep competition at bay, or dare we say, halt it, is bad for EVERYONE; whether they care about the sport or not. Not that either two are bad groups, but there are those who wear the status(es) and deliberately take advantage of situations that play to their favor, at the misfortune of others.

One (lesbian I can only label as a ‘Warped Bitch’) in particular comes to mind. “But Dark, who is she that has you so riled up? What type of examples to you have to followup with the argument that you’ve started building?” To be honest I’d rather not get into it, because this trick is not the treat she promotes, she’s a damn-near pedophile, and she’s the type of crazy twister that consistently doles out drama that always gets people hurt. The personal that has prompted this rant is the stuff of anger that makes me think as Dark as people think I already do.

Rather, just remember this kids, all that glitters is not gold. Most lesbians ARE in fact cool, downright awesome, but some are in fact just as much as a dick as the toy ones they buy. And 9 times out of 10, these lesbians, they’ll get away with that bullshit, all because they have a set of boobs.

I was audience to a conversation one of my managers had with a last-minute customer of ours a few days ago. There were two very important points he brought up.

1 – There was a time when a hard-working man was all that was needed to support a household. Nowadays it’s all but mandatory that everyone in the household have a job, and even then there’s no guarantee things’ll be easier.

2 – He spoke about how how he burned his younger self out working 90-hr+ workweeks in aspirations of having a successful future with his [then] wife. I lost someone once too, because my work was my life. I could never say for sure if that was the absolute cause, but it was definitely a good part of it. It still hurts.

I’m not really sure how to take this thought, these ideas, and warp it into something readable. No real thoughts seem coherent. No real words can comprehend this raw feeling. Part of it being, it’s Christmas Eve [as I'm writing this] and I’ve been working all day; so I’m not thinking as collected as I’d like to. But it resonates fiercely with me. So it hurts. It stings. It burns. And no amount of writing is ever going to make it go away. I don’t want to be that. I don’t want to waste my life away. I don’t want to find the woman of my dreams (again), and chase her away. And I don’t wanna except that I may never find closure.

C’est la vie

That [song] had absolutely nothing with what been going on in my life at the moment. Kinda like all the stuff I’m actively de-cluttering. Zing! When I moved back to Baltimore this year I came with a purpose, with a passion. But as far as anyone who mattered was concerned, my life & my goals were completely irrelevant. So I just kinda quit and got stagnant. I thought I had a grasp of where, how, & why I wanted to be in my life, but with my main rea….my muse, my wonderlust utterly evaporated, all that was left was this void that I haven’t even had a fucking minute to sit down and fill all fucking 2010.

At 1st, I thought it was because I needed to move on from what got me so hype. And then, I thought it was because I needed to blow every waking minute on work so I could earn enough money to buy my way out of my problems. But then, sometime in the last 6 months, I realized that it [this void] wasn’t necessarily a direct link or result of one factor in my life; it’s kinda become this new lifeform that’s spun-off from all the collective drama in my life. I thought by trying to organize things I could sort through them easier, but even after reassessing and reprocessing everything that I’d determined an obstacle, problem, or otherwise issue that needed to be dealt with, there still remained this repugnant stench of disorganization. So (yueah, I’ve had a lot of time to think this over).

I started to look at things from a Blogger’s/Web Developer’s perspective. Here I was trying to remove all the distractions from my life. When instead I needed to look at the fat, the bloat, look for the things that kept my life from being as lightweight & simple to use as it needs to be; I didn’t start looking for the minimalist approach per say, but rather any corrupt files or spam; like friends that have cut all ties, or an ex that’s nothing but bad business. Not just a physical purge, but an emotional, systematic one as well. Looking at life through a pair of tech specs, it’s incredible the bullshit I’ve missed; it’s no wonder my life stinks. I mean my old habits have gone as far as infecting my porn, my music, my budget; some of the most important aspects of my life. Like My Porn! I mean when I can look at my collection & go, “Wow, there’s some pretty whack shit here. DELETE!”….buteriously, sex jokes aside, I need to gouge the whole system, not just what’s under the hood. With New Year’s fast approaching, I guess this would be my resolution. The 1st in a long time.

So allow me to re-introduce myself, cause we got a cleanup on Aisle 10.

Maybe it’s just me.

Maybe it’s just the things that go on in my life and the crazy people I know.

But it seems the more and more I look around, the more & more people continue to grow apart. Part of that is understandable. This thing called growing up means that in a few years I will actually be 25 (and not just look it), I’m due a good 20 new friends sometime between then & now, and I may very well see a bunch of new baby pictures on Facebook of children by classmates I went to college with.

But we’re still very much Recessiony if you bother to look under the hood, look around at the landscape. The Government can say whatever it wants, but the systemic collateral damage is still hurling like a Kansas twister. And with everyone in so much debt, pain, and emotional distress, it kinda stands to reason that, as The President said, “We, as a nation, need to come together now”.

And yet, I look around me, I see people more concerned with harboring & nurturing their own interests and completely blocking out the rest of the world. People more focused on their job, their degree, their future; these individuals have lost touch (or are losing it) with a lot more that’s around them. Like their friends, their relationships, their happiness.

For the last 7 months I’v tried to balance both perspectives in my personal & professional lives, and it hasn’t worked out as well as I would’ve liked it to. I can see the appeal of just completely introverting and focusing on everything under your nose, but…idk, it just seems like (at least for me) everyone is going after a network they already have.

Most people I know, [already] know people that can find them a better job, [already] know students looking for roommates, [already] know someone looking to buy the car they want to sell. But no one wants to talk to each other; there’s no communication. Both literally & physically.

These individuals spend all their time tryin to buddy up with loan officers, army recruiters, job interviewers, scholarship managers, planned parenthood officials, (etc), that by the time they get to Facebook to check their messages & ‘talk’ to friends, their peoples have moved on the to next networking target. Nextworking!

I can’t really see the logic in not wanting to trust a friend/associate/friend-of-a-friend in a way that will immediately help you, but putting you name/life/financial assets on the line to trust a handful of people you don’t know, you don’t like, you don’t plan on keeping around (who’re likely complete total strangers btw), all in the name of advancing your career, degree, or future.

And I’m sure it’s not everyone I know, or even everyone in the recession. Cause I’m pretty damn guilty of at least 1/2 of this post, but the pattern I see is unnerving, and I wonder when ‘The Great Recession’ is over, really over, and things are FINALLY back to normal[-ish], are people going to be?

I have a crush on TSA. You know, the Transportation Security Administration. You can probably stop reading, cause nothing in this post is really relevant or poignant.

Glutton for punishment, huh?

Said crush specific is a dashing female officer, who’s quite a cut above sexy. I’m not one for blushing, but I have a bad feeling that I keep turning red around her. It’s not a sex thing, though I could imagine countless things to do with, to, and because of her. It’s not a magnetism based on physical appearance either. But I must testify, that her shape is one of the healthiest I’ve encountered all year. She definitely works out. And her eyes, not those eyes, her eyes eyes….I really need to stop staring into them so much/long/ at all. She has a model’s face. It’s not any one factor really; just a stupid hormone-induced hallucination. She seems rather intelligent, the type who’d have fun & hold a good conversation. I don’t know her name, I don’t plan on finding out any time soon. I’m pretty surer she’s older, and I’m pretty sure I’d never have any chance with her if we were the last two humans on the planet.

The only reason I thought to write this up in the 1st place is all because I’ve never been attracted to a government agent before. And I dont exactly trust government agents after living under one for most of my life. Course, maybe it’s not her at all, maybe I’m just looking for someone like her, or something I see in her. Not that it really matters in the long run.

Stupid hormones.

I tire of ghosts, I tire of chains,
I tire of people driving me insane
I tire of exes, I tire of AXE
I tire of you, and you tire right back
I tire of homes throwin 52 pickup,
Only to look ahead, and see 52 slip-up.
I tire of bottles, I tire of grease,
I tire of hustle,
Tire of your deceased
I tire of happy, and I wanna kick ass
I tire of fighting, but I won’t time for grass
I tire of phonies, cuz nothing’s legit
And the shit, that’s legit, all it gets is the kick
I tire this anger, I tire this strife
I tire that sound of her voice; what a knife
I tire of plagues that you will never receive
And pray that you won’t, or your soul will lose ease.

Hey Big Guy,

If you ever get a minute, I’d like to have a real (or at least a decent) Christmas one of these days….

This is the first Christmas that I’ll be working. That’s right, I’ll be working. On Christmas. 1:30pm to whenever the fuck we close.

“…”

I’m not so appalled to the idea, as I haven’t really done the Christmas thing in years, and right now, I do need the money; I really need the money. But is this really worth it? Is this really what I want? I’m happy to have job, don”t get it twisted, this isn’t a complaint so much as it is an observation. Do I really want to to live for a status where money makes my world run round? I suppose for the next few days I don’t have much of a choice, but as I see where things are going, not sure I like what I’m seeing.

This is me now with my embarrassed, puppy-dogged, eyes hiding away from all the snarls, glares, disappointments. I am watching things slow down just enough to realize where control was lost, for when things go boom. Because things have gone so far out of my control. I had such a shitty ’09, and I don’t know. I guess I thought I could fix EVERYTHING in 2010. Perhaps I really did just try to do too much at once. Or maybe the deck was stacked against me all along? This might honestly be the last post by me this year. Oy…I mean things aren’t direly out-of-control now as it is, but, I lost my focus a long time ago. I kept trying to hold so much of myself together, I forgot why I needed the support in the first place. And I know everyone’s having it rough right now, but I’m not everyone. I don’t want to be like everyone. I can’t afford to hold myself to such an average standard if I hope to accomplish my goals, both short & long-term. But being disappointed in myself won’t stop the hurt, or the fact that I allowed it to happen.

It almost feels pointless to get into all the random crap I’ve been tolling over for the last few weeks, months. Like I want to talk, but it just feels like taking a step back. Going forward, wanting to push forward & move ahead won’t be enough, it will take a lot more grit, and a lot more pain-in-the-ass days; hopefully without any midlife crisises this next decade.

The Fall MASSIVE, presented by Steez Promo, sold out 2 weeks before the actual event; apparently a first. Angry Asians that looked like Oroku Saki? Check. Endless skirts in 30 degree Bmore weather? Check. More dub-love than you can ever imagine? Oh Yeah. There was no fucking way there were THAT many people, living in Baltimore, into the dub/dubstep/rave scene. Shit was MASSIVE! The event in 2 words? Contact High. Between the various vapors floating around to fog & the inevitable alcohol flowing through, if you weren’t fucked up coming into the show, you most assuredly would be coming out.

Smash Gordon hit & I fuckin climaxed. I know because I stepped in it. I know everyone else did too because there is no other scientific explanation for what the hell I continued to step in that night @ Burbon Street. I got addicted to Titsworth, and could not bring myself to actually leave the room. I mellowed good to the tribal sounds of Borgore (a great rec from fellow artist W08). Wolfgang Gartner fucking….! No fucking words…and I never fan people on Facebook. Steve Akoi melted my eyes with awesome! Who the who crowdsurfs on a fucking inflatable raft! I bowed in unworthiness, as I was brought to my knees by the epic, the legendary, the one-and-only mastermind, The Andy C! And then IT happened. Nero played live! I literally had to go to the ER to get a new brain because it blew my mind. Fucking crazy. Well played Mr. Steez, well played…

When people ask me ‘Why Baltimore?’. Yea…yea….lol