My friends over at TheAnimeCon (disclaimer:editor) are running a Kickstarter to pimp out their 2nd book about anime conventions. They expect to have it published in the next few months, however this Kickstarter helps with a lot of the art and distribution that goes into a project like this. Donate today!
You’ve got important shit to do. Stop procrastinating. Your future is on the line!!!
“Live your life for what it is, not what you wish it to be.”
-Dark Angel
*6 days ago I had a heart attack. I’m still not even sure how to process that. These are the only thoughts I can seem to muster at the moment*
It’s all too easy to go after my easiest targets; they’re all open wounds for the world to see, to touch, to hear; they scream with delight to voyeurs of all types. They pick and scratch in places I can no longer reach, bleeding me apart from the inside. I rot on the out. Weaknesses, in my eyes, never relevant to begin with, and true short comings prick deadly as any rose’s thorn, far too late for me to react. Scars are my master & I am their slave. Stuck in what feels never-ending, and yet I know that’s not true; not anymore. Never again.
Guided and grown, in the hope for unknown, the arena was always toxic, septic, and made for trouble. Bubbled and built and getting a grip, productions that aren’t end-results took shape, and continued the mutant growth that was anything but natural.
Some things that planted, some things that grew, only served to assist tomorrow’s doom. Back in today, things seem so far away…the periods that exclimated simply burned away without a trace. That as until, without warning, something returned. Like a phoenix being born, ashes rebore as if the page was never even fucking turned.
Back in today, it’s hard to get a grip on how potent it all is. Even after letting go, it all feels perfectly contained. The pain, the burn, the scars, the betrayal, the hate, the rage, the rut, the butt, the start, the end; where do we even?
Knowledge states, the weight, you’ll hate. Drop that plate, get a move on, debate. Shock & grow, do what you know. Enjoy the new rhythm & drive the flow. But when that weight is your only worldly possession, the only thing you own, the only thing you ever wanted, how do relinquish it’s authority so lackadaisical? How do you fly above? How do you live without? Because at this point, isn’t this part of your soul? Your very essence? Your very self? What does it say about the worth of your being, when you have to knife out the sole foundation that makes up your existence from the get-go, akin to a poisonous jab in a barren desert?
Back in today, the pause button used to work. Used to help. Used to make sense. Things got so complicated that the whole fucking equation had to be broken into pieces so fucking small that not even the detective of lore could find them. Back in today, you used to be able to press skip, live and let die. Just ignore. And the weight got bigger, more relevant, and accidentally more potent. The weight propped as important, dropped as insane. The weight was never around; at some point, at some when. It was never lost, never deliberately put away, but it always kinda felt like it was hiding under the bed with all the other monsters.
Back in today, we thought, and we thought, and we though, and we wouldn’t stop obsessing. Things didn’t seem right, didn’t feel right; and we looked at everything, looked to everything. But would not look at what we wanted not to be found. And then the world sped up past keep or comprehension, the room set itself to dizzy, and everything changed for good.
Back in today we thought we were working towards decreasing the weight, and changing everything for the better. Now we see how wrong that approach was, and now we run from Death as fast, and as far as our little wings will take us.
Heaven help us.
I never had a mom growing up. It was never tough. It was never strange. It was just something that was accepted as a child growing up. I just grew used to it.
As I got older, and I found myself in positions where I needed my family, needed a mom, to support me, I found it hard, difficult, and to this day depressing as hell.
And too their credit, year after year, I have had some woman or another trying to ‘adopt’ me as a temporary page. A bookmark in their childless void; a guardian in mine. For all their effort, their affections never really stuck; it’s just too hard to replace something I’ve never had.
Not trying to say my pain is worse than anyone else’s; this isn’t a pity party. It’s just…by the time you read this it’ll be Mother’s Day. And thanks to many of the conflicts in western civilization, over the last 10 years, there are alot of ppl like myself who won’t be able to celebrate this holiday.
Terrorist attacks, weather that can only be described as acts of God(s), shootings that killed innocent bystanders, military personnel that don’t return home from war, drug addicts that OD, prisoners that are jailed for life, divorce. Mothers aren’t dying off like [the use of] CDs, but we live in a world where not everyone is lucky enough to have one.
Living the life I do, growing & learning as an adult in a world that doesn’t quite know itself, not having a mom is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to live through, that haunts me to this day, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. There’s stuff I’ll never learn, never understand, never experience because this figure was never in my life. And try as fate might, there will never be a substitute.
This post goes out to everyone who has a story like mine. I know I’m not alone, I hope you know you’re not either. And if you are lucky enough to have a mom, then do whatever it is you’re supposed to do on Mother’s Day & celebrate the fact that you have one more day to live with one of the most important people you will ever meet.
In 2008 I made a full-blown dedication to revamp my lifestyle, in every way possible, for the better.
Since then, I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes. I mean, A LOT OF STUPID MISTAKES. But overall, I’ve made a lot of progress towards my endgoals.
Nowadays however, I am constantly watching more and more people preach the same goals I’m living. I have nothing against that; people working to better themselves.
It just seems like they’re actually succeeding [lol]. I know I’m doing well to get through my problems, but every time I turn around, there’s always another obstacle. It’s as if everyone around me has found some magic formula for fixing their shit, and I’m still kneedeep in mine.
A few days ago I wrote about how I always felt trapped/imprisoned/arrested. Yesterday my body shut down entirely due to all the stress I was dealing with from work/life/etc. Having the time off that I did gave me a few hours to really come out of my corner, sit of a stable ground, and survey, not only my progress, but my [growing] pains.
I shouldn’t be getting as stressed out as I have been lately, and continuing that cycle of abuse is far from healthy for me; or anyone for that matter. I know where I want to be, and I know what I need to do to get there. So I’ll see you all at the finish line.
But dammit to hell! I am not enjoying this walk in the park. FML!